Assassin
I finally did it. I hired an assassin to destroy you so that you no longer have power over me.
Our relationship started out just fine. You demonstrated a sincere desire to help protect me from the pain of the world and to help me make wise choices. In the beginning, I loved you. I found comfort in your arms. I felt secure listening to your words of “wisdom”. You always seemed so confident in crafting my reality. And then things began to spin out of control and your influence over me grew.
“Listen to me. I know what’s best. I know what’s to come.” You repeated it over and over again until it became a sick sort of mantra.
When I dared not to listen, you sparked a terror in my soul. Your words cut me like knives. Your predictions of the future paralyzed me. I started to believe you when you said, “I’m the only one who is looking out for you. You must rely on me. Besides, no one will believe you. No one will listen to you. No one will love you once they see who you really are. I’m the only one who can protect you. I’m the only one who can shield you from the pain of the big bad world out there. You don’t have the power to do that on your own. I’m the one who cares.”
I lost so much time.
I listened and became a pale version of myself.
I listened and slowly my confidence eroded.
I listened until the anxiety built up in me like a storm and I hid behind your advice.
I let the illusions you crafted impinge on my reality.
I let you limit me. I let you keep me from having all of the things I so wanted in this life.
Because of you, I forgot who and what I was.
Because I chose you, I lost and sometimes hurt those who were there for me and who truly loved me.
Because of you, I lived my world in black and white instead of color.
But something has happened. A spark has begun to grow in me, courtesy of the assassin.
I no longer believe your lies. While you may care for me, while you may desire to “protect” me in your own sick way, I no longer need to rely on you to feel safe and whole. I am beginning to remember who and what I am. I am beginning to reclaim my own strength. I am beginning to care for myself in a way that you never truly have. I am beginning to fill the voids you created in my heart with affection. I am beginning to see myself clearly and while I am a work in progress, I like what I see.
The only way that I can move forward, the only way that I can be assured that I can stop living this nightmare and start living my dreams is to release myself from your grip. And while it terrifies me to end you, it is the only way that I can recapture my own power, my life, my freedom.
Oh, I am sure that your ghost will haunt me from time to time, whispering illusory words in my ear designed to terrify me and stop me in my tracks. I have no doubt that –for a while anyway- the loss of you as a daily, guiding presence in my life will make me feel as though I have undergone an amputation of sorts, like something vital is missing. I am sure that there will be times when the risk of taking a leap of faith will be so daunting that I will wish that I could run back into your seemingly safe and comforting embrace. But I also know that with the help of the assassin, I will be strong enough to overcome all of these things.
Watch your back, FEAR, your assassin is coming for you. Your assassin’s name? It’s LOVE.